Dear Church: Help for Moms in the Trenches

This is some advice I have compiled after talking to many of my Mommy friends about the trials and struggles they have gone through having lots of littles in the church world. I know I am always looking for ways to encourage other moms, so hopefully this will help others be able to build up and offer encouragement to someone that might need it today!

Dear Church,

I know we are not always the most productive members of your service. We can't always show up to extra meetings or get up at 6am to pray. We rarely have enough energy to help set up for special events or clean up after fellowship nights. Our little ones are usually the ones getting underfoot in your prayer lines or being stumbled over during praise and worship. We don't have the expendable income of the single twenty-somethings or the older couples without any diaper expenses. We can't drop everything to travel to dangerous countries for missions or even to spend the day on skid row handing out lunches.

But we are making an eternal impact. You might not see it now--- but if you look at the teenagers that aren't having sex, aren't doing drugs, aren't having to be dragged kicking and screaming to service--- if you look at the twenty-somethings that ARE going to your prayer meetings, making those mission trips, putting 50% of their paycheck in the offering---- if you look at those people, and do a little math, you will see what we are contributing.

And although it isn't immediate, or fast, or even snail-paced, our work is hard and we would love a little support from our fellow church members. Maybe you haven't been in this particular battle yet, or maybe you've moved out of it and your mind has blocked out the warfare to protect itself. If so, I would love to offer you some practical suggestions for how to support the women who are in the diaper filled, spit-up covered, tantrum laden trenches of having lots of little ones and not much extra sanity to spare.

Offer to help, and mean it, before we can ask
We don't want to have to ask someone to hold the baby while we deal with our 3 year old's tantrum. We don't want to burden someone who is clearly enjoying service with having to help carry out the diaper bag, car seat, toy bag, bumbo, sippy cups, snack bag, and babies to the car because someone pooped through their diaper and we forgot the change of clothes. So, if you see a Mom that is about to be in the middle of a melt-down, offer a hand. Without her asking. Pick up her bags and help her go to the car. Joyfully come play with baby while the toddler is screaming. Ask if you can help make that bottle while she watches her other little ones.

The other day in service, my 3 year old LOST it. My baby was hungry. I literally sat there, staring at the two of them having simultaneous melt-downs, so torn between which to take care of that I couldn't move. A woman I hardly know came over, sat down with the baby and just smiled and said "It's ok, I've got him. You go ahead." No judgement, no annoyance. She just sat down and entertained the baby, happy to help.
If you're a mom of small children you will understand that I am crying tears of gratitude just remembering it. If that makes no sense to you... just take it from me. It means THAT much.

Understand that the crying that is driving you crazy near the end of the service is actually a win for us, because they made it that long.
I know it's annoying. I know the sound of a crying baby is like nails on a chalkboard. But I also know how heartbreaking it is to feel SO accomplished (Yes! He made it 30 minutes today!) only to turn around and see the annoyed stares of people wishing that baby would just shut up. Understand that the 30 minutes of good behavior you witnessed was probably the result of weeks of slow and repetitive training and work on Mommy's part. Have some grace with us.

Don't make us feel bad for not being able to attend events that are not kid-friendly.
We understand that there are some great things going on in the body of Christ--- God is moving in some incredible ways. We pray for you. We rejoice with you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't rub salt in the wound when we have to hear about everyone else getting to join in the party while we're stuck at home with a sick child. Or a healthy child, because the prayer meeting was somewhere little kids just can't function. Understand that sometimes (most times) we miss these things because we do not want our children to be an unnecessary distraction --- I may be able to "get in the spirit" with .5 seconds notice, then out to scold someone, then back into it, then back out to tie a shoe, then back into it, then back out to wipe a nose--- but I know most other people can't. We stay home because many times the best contribution we can make is not being there. But that doesn't mean we don't want to be there, and that doesn't mean we want to hear... over and over again... about all the great things that are happening without us.

I think this is a good rule of thumb between informing and bragging--- use the same measure you would use with someone who was for some reason bed-ridden and couldn't make it. Whatever you would tell them, tell us. Whatever you would ask them to pray for, ask us. Whatever you feel would "cross-the-line" from reporting to making them feel bad... leave that out with us, too.

The more things you make kid-friendly, the more wanted and appreciated we will feel.
Maybe it's because we're women. Maybe it's because our lives are centered around reading little people's moods and intentions before their words ever come out. But I've found it to be a Mom-consensus--- if church events continually don't have kid (Mom) accommodations, we are going to assume you don't want us there. And if we're assuming you don't want us there, we're going to assume you don't value us. Hold one prayer meeting a month indoors and have the option of child care. Ask the parents of small children to go first in the buffet line at a fellowship event, or appoint people to help them carry those extra plates going through the buffet line. Offer child-care at your services, but also understand that many parents don't want to leave their kids with people they've never met--- make them feel welcome to have their kids with them. If you don't have a changing table handy, or a quiet-room for nursing, then don't give any dirty looks when she's changing a diaper in the pews or popping out a boob in the back row.

Set up opportunities for our family to serve together.
We want to help--- we really do--- and we want our kids to help too. I know they might be more of a hindrance at first, but the only way they will learn is to participate. Organize some "small" missions/service opportunities that we can take them to or allow them to participate in. Ask for our help in ways that we can actually give it--- putting together care packages, making cookies, visiting retirement homes, etc. Accept that we're not going to take our kids places that are unsafe or unwise (Anywhere outside in less than 40 or more than 100 degree weather? Anywhere where they are going to meet hookers or get cussed out by a gang member?) but we would love to bring them places where they can serve and learn in a safe manner.

Give Mom a hug
Sometimes Moms just need hugs. And pats on the back. And maybe a candy snuck into her hand while the kids aren't looking. And someone to recognize that what we do is hard work. If you see a Mom keep her temper while her child is acting out, go up to her afterward and tell her what a good job she's doing. If you notice some one's children being well-behaved during service or Sunday school, let them know. Look at the opportunity to dance with one of our children or have them pray for you as a blessing and not a burden. We spend all day, every day training them to love the Lord and have Godly character--- its nice when that's recognized!

I was so blessed last Sunday (this is going to sound horrible--- but its not) by not seeing my youngest son for the first hour of service. One of the younger women in our church spent the entire worship service dancing with him, even when his HEAVY little self was passed out and sweaty on her. I'm sure she would have been able to get more into worship without him, but I'm also SURE God rewarded her choice to spend time with him and bless me with free hands for that hour so that I could spend some distraction-free time loving the Lord.

Lastly, remember what Jesus did...

Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”  After laying His hands on them, He departed from there.  (Matthew 19:13-15)

I am so fortunate to have a pastor that loves my children and has such a Christ-like heart towards them. It's not uncommon to look up and see him with one of them on his hip during a sermon, or helping them lay hands on people to pray for them. He's teaching them the one thing that we, as parents, can't teach on our own--- that they are accepted and wanted and important in the body. That's something that only you, as a church, can do.

With my love,
From the trenches,

Beka... mom to lots of littles.

O.B.E.Y.

I'm sitting here pondering the idea of obedience...

And how it's the total antithesis of everything we are taught today.

So, you know, nothing too serious.


The funny thing about God is that he tells us essentially the same thing our parents tell us when we are little---

"Because I said so."

And there might be an explanation, and there might not. And it might take 5 seconds (in the way that we realize quickly why Mommy shouted "STOP" as we were running into the street) and it might take 5 years (in the way that we realize slowly why Mommy said "You cannot date that boy" many years later) and it might not come at all.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I think we usually take this verse in the context of blessings--- I'm going to have faith for something I don't have right now. But we also have to take it in the context of obedience--- we have to have faith that there is a substance, a reason, a "why" to what we're doing even if we don't see it at that moment, even if it doesn't make sense.

But that's not our way of life, is it? We do things because they have a reason, or because no one has given us a good enough reason not to do them. We don't "obey," we choose to follow, or choose to not follow. If someone tells us "no," we want to know "why not?" And if someone tells us "go," we want to know "why?"

That's not how God works. God wants our obedience, not our acquiescence. God doesn't want us to do something because we decided it's a good idea, because it makes sense in our crazy logic, because it serves us, because it's fun or pleasant or popular. God wants us to do it BECAUSE HE SAID SO.

Even the things in our lives that we *have to* obey aren't really concrete. How many times have I gone over the speed limit (broken the law, let's be honest here) because I thought "Well, when I get caught, I'll suffer the consequences." How many times have I downloaded a song onto my computer without paying for it, thinking "No one will ever know." I think that mindset extends deep down into our Christianity. We read the bible and think that "obey" really means "you probably aught to..." And we also think "Hey, I'll deal with the consequences *if* I get caught."

But here's the kicker: God knows. You always "get caught." You are caught before you even do it; God isn't a cop with a radar gun that we can avoid if we take the right streets. He's not an anti-piracy commission that's only going to go after the kids ripping off millions of dollars.  He's God. He's there. He tells us (for hundreds of pages, thousands of verses) "This is what I want you to do, and this is what will happen when you don't."  Isn't that crazy? I'm thinking about my life and thinking "How many things am I paying the price for right at this second because I let myself be deceived by the mindset that I would just deal with the consequences *if* I got caught?"

Don't get me wrong--- I feel like I have to add the obligatory "Jesus loves you" (He does) and "You can't lose your salvation once you've accepted Him" (you can't). But there are consequences for our actions.

How many things in the bible have I been waiting to obey, or accept, until I understand them? And how PRIDEFUL does that make me--- to say to the maker of the world, the Lord of all, "I'll do this once you give me a good reason. I'll obey that law once I feel like it."

“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit,  for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?

Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”  ---Luke 6:43-49

In the whale

I found possibly the best book ever at the library.

It's called Jonah's Whale

 

Yeah, it's a kids book. So what?

 



I found it lying at the end of the shelf during story time, and since Jonah is one of our tried-and-true favorite bible stories around here, I figured I'd pick it up for the girls to read.

They like it, but that's not what this post is about.

What this post is about is the fact that this book BLEW MY MIND.

And here is why:

It's all about the whale. It's all about how God created this whale, nurtured him, loved him, and basically orchestrated his entire life to be present for that fateful moment when Jonah had a rare inspired second of courage and told the sailors on his boat to throw him overboard.

And the whale was there. Not to punish him, but to SAVE HIM.

Maybe it's just me, but I have NEVER looked at that story (and, as I said, it's a favorite around here, so I've read it pretty often) with that perspective. But I don't think it's just me.

We read it thinking that the whale is a consequence, a punishment, a trial for Jonah. That due to his disobedience, he gets to spend 3 days in nasty-intestinal-fishiness.

And we apply this metaphor to our lives. That our problems or our trials or our difficulties (our "whales," if you will) are there as a valley on the way to the high places of our callings. That if we can get through all these bad things, we will make it to the other side.

But what if we change our perspective? What if God really did orchestrate that whale to be there at that moment not as a punishment, but as a savior?

"Suddenly, Whale saw the man Jonah flying through the air, hurtling into the sea. And God said to Whale, "Save the man Jonah." Whale had never saved a drowning man before. He opened his mouth as if to swallow a thousand tiny fish and--- sluuuuuurp! went the man Jonah..."

 

What if all these problems we are encountering are there not to hinder us, not to punish us, but to SAVE us? See, I realize now that the punishment, the consequence in the story was that Jonah was to drown. His disobedience and stubbornness and sin were causing the storm and were going to cause the deaths of the entire crew, and he knew that he had to jump overboard and drown himself to save everyone else. THAT was what was due to him. But God had mercy on him, and sent the whale to save him.

 

I'm sure Jonah didn't see it this way. Reading Jonah's prayer from inside the fish, he sounds pretty miserable. And I always picture him being kinda whiny (is that just me? He sounds like a whiny dude, right?)  He was in there for 3 days, and all we read is a short snippet, that starts (basically--- my paraphrase) with "God, YOU did this to me!" And that's the way we sound most of the time, isn't it? "God, why are you doing this to me? God, why am I in this job? Why don't I have more money? Why can't I be happier/stronger/wealthier/more talented? God, why have you forgotten me?!?"

 

But maybe we need to shift our perspective and consider that maybe, just maybe, we are in the belly of the whale to be saved from drowning in the storm of our own making. Maybe, just maybe, what the consequences of our actions SHOULD be is much worse than fish guts and whale goo and seasickness (I mean, he must have been seasick, really).  Or much worse than driving a dinky car and not being able to afford steak and working a job that sucks or ~insert problem here.~

 

Maybe God orchestrated our current situations from the very first moment of creation to save us from ourselves.

 

And maybe what we can learn from Jonah is to lift our eyes to the Lord (even hundreds of feet under the sea, in the belly of a whale) and say:

 

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, 'Salvation comes from the LORD.' " (Jonah 2:7-9)

 

Because when Jonah finally did this, when he said "I'm going to praise you and keep my vows to you no matter what's going on, and I'm going to focus my eyes on the LORD and not on my circumstances," a great thing happened.

 

"...the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land."

 

The end. 

 



Little Hands to Heaven--- Week 2

We finished our second week with "Heart of Dakota's Little Hands to Heaven" (read more about my search for a "good fit" preschool curriculum HERE).

I am SO SO SO happy with this program. Even though I had a bad stomach bug for about 4 days, school still got done. It is so easy and yet still hands on and interactive and FUN.

Week 2 was "B" week, and also the week we worked through the story of Noah's Ark and the Tower of Babel. Even though it's technically Bean's "school," Bug is really enjoying it as well. They both LOVED the finger play for this week and Bug is still walking around saying "Boat did float! Boat did float!"

We are using the recommended preschool bible, A Child's First Bible (click on picture to view!)

... BUT it's really not deep enough for Bean. So we're supplementing with The Beginner's Bible

 

and our own family bible, of course!

 

Also, we're using the recommended devotional for "older" pre-K kids, and it's working out really well. It has a memory verse for each letter of the alphabet and a 2-page story to go along with the verse. I put the verses to music because that really helps both Bean and I remember them.  

 

 

 

 

Here are some highlights from Week 2!

 

 

Doing the "sink or float" experiment...

 ... and splashing around with little sis afterwards

 

This experiment was GREAT. Not only did she get to predict what would sink or float, but then she got to practice reading the chart and figuring out what they would do the second time. They have been "replicating" this for a week--- throwing all their toys in a laundry bin and pretending they're doing science!

 

 

Bean's BFF (we'll call her "Curls") spent a day doing school with us!

 

Decorating "B"s with bubble painting. Just mix a little water, some NON-TOXIC (very important, because all 3 girls decided to take a sip) paint, and some dish soap. So fun! I got in on the action too, but there's no pics of that. Thankfully :)

 

 

We also did some "credit-card" painting... Dave Ramsey would be so proud that I'm finding productive uses for my old credit cards ;) Had nothing to do with "B" or an ark, but it was fun!

 

 

 

Until next time... 



The new double standard

We have a weird double standard going on in our culture, which is this:

 

We collectively consider news stories about pregnant woman being hurt or killed horrific. I was going to say more horrific than a regular murder, but we have all become so desensitized to violence that “regular” murder rarely makes a blip on our radars anymore. Run-of-the-mill assaults or car crashes don’t even have a radar to blip on.

 

But when a pregnant woman is involved in one of these things, it suddenly becomes a monstrous occurrence. Men who beat their wives: bad. Men who beat their pregnant wives: monsters. Random knifing… unpleasant. Random knifing of a pregnant woman’s stomach: Horrendous. Car accident: run-of-the-mill. Car accident that involves pregnant woman: terrifying. We even see this echoed on TV shows. How many dramas have used the “pregnant woman in danger” scenario to increase tension? We are re-watching Lost and came to the episode where Ana-Lucia is shot. You find out at the end that she was pregnant… shortly before she kills the shooter. And you want to cheer for her, which is, I’m sure, what the writer’s goal was. You think “You go girl! He killed your baby! SHOOT HIM!!”

 

We find these things to be heart-wrenching, even sickening. And they are. But if the same woman chose to get an abortion in order to not bring that child into an abusive household, we’d cheer her on. If that lady made it through that assault or car crash and into the planned parenthood to “terminate the fetus,” she’d be a champion for women’s rights. If the same character on Lost had a storyline about choosing to kill the baby that she was murderous over, we’d be proud of their feminist stance.

 

Here’s the problem: What does this say about us?

 

It says that a person’s value and worth, even their basic humanity, is dependent on how much someone wants them.

 

We are horrified by the first set of stories because we know they parents are horrified; that was their baby that they were planning for and naming and loving already.  We accept (or even cheer) the second set because the babies were unwanted and it was the woman’s choice.

 

If you are wanted; if you are loved, you are valuable.

 

If you are a burden; if you are an inconvenience, you are worthless.

 

Does that sound scary? It does to me! It terrifies me that we are going down a road where our humanity is dictated by how other people feel about us.

It’s funny, because it’s very anti-American at its core. Our core values tell us that people have value because they are people, and that it doesn’t matter who your parents are or where you come from--- in fact, a vast majority of our laws are built to protect those in society that are unwanted or unloved.

But our abortion laws tell us just the opposite. They say that the ONLY thing that matters is who your parents are and where you come from. Your entire future is based on who you will (or will not) be born to. Your worth as a human is completely reliant on and determined by your DNA.

We’ve had this in the past--- frequently--- and we find it abhorrent to look into the periods in our own history (both human and American) where people were judged based on their social class, their ethnicity or the color of their skin. They are probably the biggest blemishes IN human history--- these decisions to oppress (or destroy) entire people groups because they were deemed invaluable, or worthless, or because they had the wrong DNA. These decisions to deem people "less than human" because they are unwanted or a hindrance, or because their presence makes someone else uncomfortable or less prosperous.

 

I wonder how history will look at us…

"Our" Story, Part One

Yep, this is gonna be one of those sloppy messy gooey love stories.

Nik and I, February 2009. BC (Before Children)

Eh, probably not ;)

But when I read other people's blogs, I am nosey and always want to know a bit of their backstory, so I'm sharing mine here.

My husband and I met in October 2004. At a pool hall. Yes, my friends, that is the story of how a youth pastor/worship leader and a youth pastor/homeschooling mother met. At a not-so-swanky much-more-divey pool hall.

He, as he would like to tell you, was a 23 year old "heathen." I was a *slightly* off-track 19 year old Christian girl. I was not newly but still pretty freshly off a bad breakup, and was not at all interested in entering a relationship. He as madly in love with me at first sight *hehehe.* (Hey, may not be the *completely* correct version, but that's what he gets for staying absent from the blogosphere. My version wins).

Nik used his best friend with the sexy Kiwi accent to try to lure my best friend and I into conversation, and it worked.

~~The Kiwi and I~~

We became very fast friends and "pool-hall" buddies, but that was it. He was too much of a wild-guy for me, and I wasn't interested in dating someone who... drank as much beer as he did! (Sorry hubs, tried to find a nice way of putting it, but there just isn't one.)

One night after we played pool for a while, he drove home. Drunk. He says he was screaming out to God, asking Him for a reason to keep living and proof that He existed, when this happened.

 

 

He took at railroad crossing WAY too fast and flew into a pole. He was honestly lucky to be alive, only a foot or so to the left and he would have been... mush.

 

As he was sitting in his car (unharmed, mind you), still raging at God, his phone rang, and guess who was on the other line?

**Me, Circa 2005**

When I pulled up to the crash site (unaware, mind you, what I was pulling up to, as he had told me he had "car problems" and needed me to come pick him up), he was being arrested for Drunk Driving (serves. him. right.) Apparently, me standing on the corner with the Kiwi laughing at him (hey, as I said, he deserved it) was the wake-up call he was asking for.

A few weeks later (post jailing, mind you), I was at a bible study with my (now) pastor and best friend. I spent the majority of the 2 hours on my face, crying, praying for healing. I wasn't sick, but I was broken--- a year of anger, hurt, and flat-out craziness had left me bitter and brokenhearted. I felt God touch me that night and begin to heal my heart, and by the end of the evening I remember telling God I was ready to start again, and move on with my life.

Only a few minutes later (literally as my phone re-gained service), my phone rang and Nik was on the other line. He invited me to go out with our friends that night, and I did.

I know it sounds crazy, but he was a different person and I saw him in a different light. You know that verse "All things work for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose"? He's pretty much a living example of that. He may not have "loved" God at this moment, but he was seeking Him and he is definitely called to Him.

I can only attribute it to God answering both of our prayers and Him opening my eyes to see Nik as God saw him that night. It was obvious after only a few minutes that he really was pretty in love with me (this time, it's the honest truth. Really). I decided to give him a chance.

--Niks first Kings game--

And the rest, friends... is for another time.
Stay tuned for Part Deux.

Heart of Dakota

Ah, the seemingly endless (although I hope it isn't) search for a good homeschoolling "fit."

The past 6 months have been quite an adventure for me--- trying to figure out what to teach Bean and how to teach it. It has been a learning experience for us both, and a lesson in patience and understanding! Although it continues to have some days of struggle, I am really enjoying this homeschooling journey of ours. I am learning so much about my daughters strengths and weaknesses and how she learns. And I am learning so much about my own strengths and weaknesses as well!

I don't have experience from the "other side" of things, but I am really happy I started doing this so young. It has given me a lot of room to experiment and change my mind and mess up without Bean missing out on any vital information. I'm sure she would have been just fine, but I would have felt very guilty if I did this much mind-changing and wobbling and slacking off through 1/2 a year of 1st or 2nd grade!

All that is to say that I have made yet another change; one that I hope will stick this time! I am just not organized or dedicated enough to design a whole curriculum myself. I am still sticking with our character program, but we are adding in Heart of Dakota's Little Hands to Heaven Preschool Curriculum.

I am so excited about doing this program. I downloaded the first week and did it with Bean (Bug tagged along too, and actually did really well with some of the activities) and we both really enjoyed it. I love that it only takes about 30 minutes a day, is pretty much totally prepared for me, and is BIBLICALLY CENTERED. It doesn't just have "bible lessons," it revolves around the bible. In the first week we went through the story of creation, the fall, and Cain and Abel. And in enough depth that Bean can tell you what Cain and Abel did and how Cain sinned (she can tell you the other stuff, too, but Cain and Abel was the one new story for her).

The only thing (besides the character training) that I am adding are some art projects. It has a devotional that we will be going over every night with my husband and even has its own simple art projects and worksheets.


I'm waiting impatiently for all the materials to arrive in the mail! I'll let you know how it goes once we start!!!