This is some advice I have compiled after talking to many of my Mommy friends about the trials and struggles they have gone through having lots of littles in the church world. I know I am always looking for ways to encourage other moms, so hopefully this will help others be able to build up and offer encouragement to someone that might need it today!
Dear Church,
I know we are not always the most productive members of your service. We can't always show up to extra meetings or get up at 6am to pray. We rarely have enough energy to help set up for special events or clean up after fellowship nights. Our little ones are usually the ones getting underfoot in your prayer lines or being stumbled over during praise and worship. We don't have the expendable income of the single twenty-somethings or the older couples without any diaper expenses. We can't drop everything to travel to dangerous countries for missions or even to spend the day on skid row handing out lunches.
But we are making an eternal impact. You might not see it now--- but if you look at the teenagers that aren't having sex, aren't doing drugs, aren't having to be dragged kicking and screaming to service--- if you look at the twenty-somethings that ARE going to your prayer meetings, making those mission trips, putting 50% of their paycheck in the offering---- if you look at those people, and do a little math, you will see what we are contributing.
And although it isn't immediate, or fast, or even snail-paced, our work is hard and we would love a little support from our fellow church members. Maybe you haven't been in this particular battle yet, or maybe you've moved out of it and your mind has blocked out the warfare to protect itself. If so, I would love to offer you some practical suggestions for how to support the women who are in the diaper filled, spit-up covered, tantrum laden trenches of having lots of little ones and not much extra sanity to spare.
Offer to help, and mean it, before we can ask
We don't want to have to ask someone to hold the baby while we deal with our 3 year old's tantrum. We don't want to burden someone who is clearly enjoying service with having to help carry out the diaper bag, car seat, toy bag, bumbo, sippy cups, snack bag, and babies to the car because someone pooped through their diaper and we forgot the change of clothes. So, if you see a Mom that is about to be in the middle of a melt-down, offer a hand. Without her asking. Pick up her bags and help her go to the car. Joyfully come play with baby while the toddler is screaming. Ask if you can help make that bottle while she watches her other little ones.
The other day in service, my 3 year old LOST it. My baby was hungry. I literally sat there, staring at the two of them having simultaneous melt-downs, so torn between which to take care of that I couldn't move. A woman I hardly know came over, sat down with the baby and just smiled and said "It's ok, I've got him. You go ahead." No judgement, no annoyance. She just sat down and entertained the baby, happy to help.
If you're a mom of small children you will understand that I am crying tears of gratitude just remembering it. If that makes no sense to you... just take it from me. It means THAT much.
Understand that the crying that is driving you crazy near the end of the service is actually a win for us, because they made it that long.
I know it's annoying. I know the sound of a crying baby is like nails on a chalkboard. But I also know how heartbreaking it is to feel SO accomplished (Yes! He made it 30 minutes today!) only to turn around and see the annoyed stares of people wishing that baby would just shut up. Understand that the 30 minutes of good behavior you witnessed was probably the result of weeks of slow and repetitive training and work on Mommy's part. Have some grace with us.
Don't make us feel bad for not being able to attend events that are not kid-friendly.
We understand that there are some great things going on in the body of Christ--- God is moving in some incredible ways. We pray for you. We rejoice with you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't rub salt in the wound when we have to hear about everyone else getting to join in the party while we're stuck at home with a sick child. Or a healthy child, because the prayer meeting was somewhere little kids just can't function. Understand that sometimes (most times) we miss these things because we do not want our children to be an unnecessary distraction --- I may be able to "get in the spirit" with .5 seconds notice, then out to scold someone, then back into it, then back out to tie a shoe, then back into it, then back out to wipe a nose--- but I know most other people can't. We stay home because many times the best contribution we can make is not being there. But that doesn't mean we don't want to be there, and that doesn't mean we want to hear... over and over again... about all the great things that are happening without us.
I think this is a good rule of thumb between informing and bragging--- use the same measure you would use with someone who was for some reason bed-ridden and couldn't make it. Whatever you would tell them, tell us. Whatever you would ask them to pray for, ask us. Whatever you feel would "cross-the-line" from reporting to making them feel bad... leave that out with us, too.
The more things you make kid-friendly, the more wanted and appreciated we will feel.
Maybe it's because we're women. Maybe it's because our lives are centered around reading little people's moods and intentions before their words ever come out. But I've found it to be a Mom-consensus--- if church events continually don't have kid (Mom) accommodations, we are going to assume you don't want us there. And if we're assuming you don't want us there, we're going to assume you don't value us. Hold one prayer meeting a month indoors and have the option of child care. Ask the parents of small children to go first in the buffet line at a fellowship event, or appoint people to help them carry those extra plates going through the buffet line. Offer child-care at your services, but also understand that many parents don't want to leave their kids with people they've never met--- make them feel welcome to have their kids with them. If you don't have a changing table handy, or a quiet-room for nursing, then don't give any dirty looks when she's changing a diaper in the pews or popping out a boob in the back row.
Set up opportunities for our family to serve together.
We want to help--- we really do--- and we want our kids to help too. I know they might be more of a hindrance at first, but the only way they will learn is to participate. Organize some "small" missions/service opportunities that we can take them to or allow them to participate in. Ask for our help in ways that we can actually give it--- putting together care packages, making cookies, visiting retirement homes, etc. Accept that we're not going to take our kids places that are unsafe or unwise (Anywhere outside in less than 40 or more than 100 degree weather? Anywhere where they are going to meet hookers or get cussed out by a gang member?) but we would love to bring them places where they can serve and learn in a safe manner.
Give Mom a hug
Sometimes Moms just need hugs. And pats on the back. And maybe a candy snuck into her hand while the kids aren't looking. And someone to recognize that what we do is hard work. If you see a Mom keep her temper while her child is acting out, go up to her afterward and tell her what a good job she's doing. If you notice some one's children being well-behaved during service or Sunday school, let them know. Look at the opportunity to dance with one of our children or have them pray for you as a blessing and not a burden. We spend all day, every day training them to love the Lord and have Godly character--- its nice when that's recognized!
I was so blessed last Sunday (this is going to sound horrible--- but its not) by not seeing my youngest son for the first hour of service. One of the younger women in our church spent the entire worship service dancing with him, even when his HEAVY little self was passed out and sweaty on her. I'm sure she would have been able to get more into worship without him, but I'm also SURE God rewarded her choice to spend time with him and bless me with free hands for that hour so that I could spend some distraction-free time loving the Lord.
Lastly, remember what Jesus did...
Then some
children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray;
and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do
not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as
these.” After laying His hands on them, He departed from there. (Matthew 19:13-15)
I am so fortunate to have a pastor that loves my children and has such a Christ-like heart towards them. It's not uncommon to look up and see him with one of them on his hip during a sermon, or helping them lay hands on people to pray for them. He's teaching them the one thing that we, as parents, can't teach on our own--- that they are accepted and wanted and important in the body. That's something that only you, as a church, can do.
With my love,
From the trenches,
Beka... mom to lots of littles.
